I hate a million things about me, so does this neighbour and that classmate and probably those people on the street too. But would we want to change every single thing on that list? Maybe yes, most probably no; because our imperfections make us who we are. There are so many resources that voice the same opinion, ’embrace those imperfections’. We should be categorizing imperfections though, shouldn’t we? Because there are some flaws which would make life so much easier without existing.
The number one on my list of cringe worthy fatal flaws (I’m not legendary enough to use the word ‘hamartia’), is overthinking. My mind is like that hamster which goes into overdrive and runs on its cage wheel at 1 in the morning. It’s a tragedy to constantly be under the scrutiny of my overthinking eyes, ears, and well sometimes the entire body. I have a five minute fight with a friend, and it replays in my head from ten different directions for the next five days with fifty different commentaries accompanying each replay. Imagine living like that, where every single thing you do/say/feel comes with a lot of, usually harsh, mental commentaries. Think of a reproducing amoeba, from two to four to eight and so on. That’s how my overthinking brain fuctions. If someone points out something that’s not right, I’ll be thinking about it all day long. I’ll get angry, then analyse my anger, then go through the other five stages of grief, and end up blaming myself and hating myself for being that way.
Exam went bad? Overthink. Didn’t find a nice dress? Overthink. Fight with a friend? Overthink. Spill juice? Overthink. Breathe? Overthink. Currently, I’m overthinking about overthinking so much. There’s also this sister problem of overthinking, which is drawing conclusions on the most ridiculous tangents. I have a mean, really mean temper. Chances are, if you get into an argument with me, I’ll drag you into the ring of absurdity, break down your words and implicate them in the most unbeleiveable way. I’m really talented in that sense.
I got into an argument with a friend the other day, offended him and then in turn got offended by him taking offence. Now, I feel I should be apologizing but I also feel like I’m too stupid of an arse to repeat the same thing, so I should probably back off.
So, congratulations on finishing reading this hardly comprehensible journal entry of an extremely overthinking person. I guess, I’ll go try and talk to this friend and make conjectures about why his phone is busy…maybe he’s bitching about me? Maybe he blocked me? Maybe? Maybe not.