“don’t mistake salt for sugar…”
Poetry kills me. Rupi Kaur kills me, her milk and honey ripped my soul apart and I stood staring at it for hours. Honestly, I never imagined that the intense emotions I felt could be put down in words so beautifully and shockingly. Shocking, yes, that’s the best way to put it. Everything that I feel and have felt suddenly came back and hit me like a tidal wave. It hurts so bad to relive life’s miseries and tragedies, and yet, in order to get closure, you have to relive them. I don’t really know when would I be able to get closure or when would I be brave enough to face the past again. It haunts me every day, the colors it splashed all over me are yet to fade and I am still tripping in my steps. Sometimes I wonder how long it’s going to take for me to be a whole person again. The patchwork, the glue and tape, the broken pieces, all of it makes me so difficult to deal with, and it’s not just personally, everyone in my life struggles with me. Imagine that cliched instance of a doe in front of headlights in the dark, that exact insane confusion hits me every now and then. The car in front is about to hit me, what do I do? “Nothing, just blank out”, respond my reflexes. It’s amazing how negative and hopeless a person can be. I feel guilty and desperate all the time, for feeling the way I do. Because you know, it bothers people and the hopelessness travels, from me to my friend across the table and it’s really so hopeless. I shouldn’t be apologetic for the way I feel and yet I do, because I feel like a constant bother. I lose my patience with myself, hell knows what the other person dealing with me feels.
Bipolarity sucks. Everything I feel has to be in extremes, extreme happiness and extreme despair. Mountains on that ECG graph describe how pathetic it is to be a human pendulum of emotions. At times I feel as if I’m not doing enough to be happy or to manage my state, at others, I feel I’m doing the best I can and it just isn’t working. How long am I going to be this way? It’s already been almost 6 years of me struggling with depression, 3 years of being diagnosed and 2 of trying to get back on my feet. I wish I could “snap out of it” like some people advise. I wish I didn’t function according to impulses and moods. On top of it, I keep pushing myself into destructive situations, like a romantic relationship, complicated friendships and anger driven decisions. I have a love-hate relationship with almost everyone close to me, be it family or friends. Relationships affect me so much that I had to cut off a lot of them to be more in control of my senses. I give up on people, and I hold grudges, I give everything when I am in love, the happy parts are just as wild as the sad ones, and all of this makes life so complicated. I love my ex so much that I keep making up imaginary situations and hope against hope for things to go back to being the way they are; I hate him for being able to move on and deal more maturely with the whole break up phase. I constantly battle with getting over him and figuring out what went wrong. I read or watch things that influence me into being more sensible or more restless. It’s horrible really, it’s an eternal hotch-potch inside my head.
When someone says I’m doing great recovering, I question it. Is that a joke or am I really doing well? Well, my head’s a mess, I am impulsive and my immunity is completely wrecked. I am still self destructive and suicidal. What am I doing right? Forcing myself to fake it till I make it? Sometimes I repeat “I’m happy” in my head over and over, it helps on certain days, doesn’t on others. I am trying to be okay, really trying, but I really can’t figure out if I’m making any progress or am I still stuck at square one.